(Dumb post incoming. Allegedly humorous.)
This morning, I discovered an incredible Life Hack involving the Big Spoon that will save Many Minutes And Dollars. This knowledge will be an incredible boon as I enter my bachelorette era.
Big spoon as yogurt enabler
Throughout the years, I've tried and failed to purchase yogurt in bulk. Like everybody, I enjoy consuming yogurt, but I would always get those 5.3oz chobani cups because they’re a cheap and plentiful resource that’s easy to procure on-site across a variety of operational theatres.
They’re cheap in isolation, but the cost adds up when you get ambushed by many at once. As with all grocery shopping dilemmas, the solution is to shop in bulk: get one of the big ones and eat the elephant one bite at a time.
In my hubris, I often did exactly the first half of that. “Sure, I can eat a healthy breakfast that requires modest preparation every morning. Maybe it could be like a lifestyle change,” I’d think to myself. I’d then leave the large container to sit unopened in my fridge for weeks and eventually throw it away, shamefully.
Why do I abandon my yogurt so? Part of this is ADHD attention blindness, but part of this is also due to the opportunity cost of ruining a perfectly clean bowl by ladling a schlopful of yogurt into it. No thanks! Who has time to wash one extra dish later when I could increase my disposable plastic use instead?
Today’s insight was REVELATORY. The issue disappears when you have a Big Spoon: just eat directly from the large container! Take the giant yogurt container out of the fridge, feast ravenously, then put the surplus back. A small spoon won’t cut it because the container’s too big—you’d get yogurt on your hands—but you don’t have a small spoon, you have a big spoon with a long handle!
With practice, you can unlock an advanced technique: grab some blueberries or jam and mix them straight into the container. You can put whatever you want in there. Berries? Cinnamon? Granola? Chocolate chips?
I tried this for the first time this morning, so it’s basically already a permanent lifestyle change.
Big spoon as utility utensil
The advantages of the Big Spoon compound when you keep one in your bag.
Artists of all kinds intuitively understand the importance of quick access to their instruments. Photography nerds know the best camera is the one you always have with you. Gun nerds fashion hip holsters so they can always feel the loving presence of their pistols and rifles. Ernest Hemingway famously kept a notebook around so he could write in public whenever he wanted.
Even Leonardo the Vinci himself was said to keep his chisel in his pocket protector so he would be ready whenever the desire to sculpt marble struck.
Longtime Kimmy enjoyers know that I too keep one of these suckers with me at all times. In this way, I follow in the footsteps of Hemingway, Vinci, Graham Bell, and the rest. My tool of choice is this weird camping spork thing, a combination spoon/fork with ends that clip into each other. It’s small enough not to be a bother, but when assembled, the handle is long enough to reach into narrow crevasses. It’s so aesthetically pleasing to me for some reason!
At a restaurant but the waiter didn’t bring utensils? Big Spoon. Burrito hull failure turns your lunch into a casserole? Big spoon. Need to reserve your table so strangers don’t steal it? Leave a Big Spoon there.
There is no problem the Big Spoon cannot solve. There are only problems you have not yet applied enough Big Spoon to.